Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25, 26 NIV)
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. (1 John 4:16 NIV)
Have you ever felt like you were failing? Everywhere you turn you see your mistakes, flaws, and junk. You feel like you should just wake up with "I'm sorry" written on your forehead. I feel like that more often then I care to admit. However lately I could multiply those feelings times 10. Is it because I'm messing up more than before. No. Is it because I'm struggling with depression, some chemical imbalance. I don't think so.
I'm on a sabbatical. I looked up the definition of sabbatical just to make sure that I was actually on one. Because I thought I would be resting and filling up with God, basically I thought I would be skipping and singing songs for a month. That is not how it has been at all, it has been painful. The definition I found was of or pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath. bringing a period of rest. any extended period of leave from one's customary work, especially for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.
Well, if I honestly look at these last few weeks, I can say that I have indeed been on a sabbatical. The hum of daily tasks is quieting, but the silence is scary. It leaves a void that God wants to fill with more of Himself. The constant pressure of proving myself is lessening and it leaves a question of value. It is like swimming into the deep darkness of your soul expecting to find light and life, but only seeing corruption. The pressure is great in the deep and my body claws to find its way to the surface, but something, someone is holding me in the deep no matter how hard I try to get out. I'm afraid I'm going to drown here.
Yet I when I rest in the deep, I can see light, and that light comforts me. For even in the deep, perhaps especially in the deep God is there. The normal things that I use to numb the pain, to hide the darkness, don't work in the deep, for there are no distractions to run to. It is just the ugliness of my soul and God. I try to explain what I see to others, but they do not understand, because it is the depth of my own soul. I feel like a freak, an outcast. I cry out for God to save me, He whispers that He is here, but He will not release me to go to the surface. He reminds me that I asked to go to the deep with Him. I asked to know Him and be known by Him and here we are. When will rest come? I seek it everyday in the toils of my old habits, but no rest is found there. I seek it in the knowledge of who God is and trying to conform to His pleasure, but the rest there is only temporary.
Yet I hope in God. For I know He loves me and His plans are good. He say's I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was made in the deep. He tells me not to be afraid, for He is my air, He is my strength, He is my portion forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment